The Rhymes and Routes Christmas Message this year comes from the President of the United States of America, Donald J. Trump.
Hi there! I am going to be kinda busy over the Christmas holiday period, so I thought it best to let the wonderful people of Great Britain know that I'm thinking of them - even the pinkos who run this damnfool blog. I have had numerous adverse comments made about me on here, but as it is Christmas and just opened a bottle of Jack Daniels, I'm inclined to be forgiving - for now.
As it is Christmas, I'd like to talk about the birth of the man who gave his name to this season - and it's not me yet. I am, of course, talking about Jesus Christ. Despite the fact that he has a Mexican name, I still feel a strong affinity for this wonderful man, who has so much in common with me. Like myself, he came from a humble background, lived an austere life of service and faced horrendous calumnies. As Jesus was falsely accused, so have I been. At this wonderful time of year, it is sad to recollect the fake news that has been spread about me since my inauguration. All this nonsense about my alleged links with Russia is one example. President Putin himself told me that in my place he would not be so forgiving, but, as Jesus did, I forgive my critics in the true spirit of Christmas. Just wait until the new year, you bastards...you know, I never drink alcohol, but this whiskey tastes real good.
I guess one big difference between me and Jesus Christ is that, by my personal magnetism, I have enjoyed the company of many beautiful women. Jesus had magnetism too, which means we share a God-given characteristic. I know there have been slanderous allegations made against me about my dealings with women, but they are all lies. Sometimes I think that my Russian friends are spreading stories about me as well as the ones I like to see written about Hillary Clinton! Lousy overpaid schmucks...I need another drink...
Still, I now wish to extend my warmest wishes for Christmas to the people back in the mother country, especially in my ancestors' wonderful land of Scotland. I love Scotland, because I always feel so venerable there. It seems that very few of the wonderful Scottish people live to be over 65. This, I am aware, is because they eat fried food for every meal, get drunk every day and the only exercise they get is when they whup the crap out of each other. Still, there is one item from Scotland that I truly prize, and that is Irn-Bru. Rubbing it on my skin gives me a wonderful tan. Happy Hogmanay, Guys!
I wish to send my sincere Christmas wishes to my wonderful old friend, Teresa May, who is having a hard time right now. I hope to see you at Chequers soon, Teresa! Chequers is a wonderful game that I'm really good at, as I've played it for years. Even if Teresa isn't Prime Minister for very much longer, we'll still be friends. I'll wave at her when I next drive through London. When you get the Brexit you guys deserve, I'll send advisers to show you how to build a wall around your borders. You can pay for it.
As President of my country, it has been my mission to make the world a safer, more peaceful place. I have worked tirelessly to bring peace to Korea, where North and South still have differences, but East and West Korea are now completely at peace. I am humbly aware that this is what the Prince of Peace, Jesus Christ, would have wanted. This Jack Daniels is making me feel really wonderful...
FROM THE OVAL OFFICE AND THE PEOPLE OF THE UNITED STATES - MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Thank you for your kind message, Mr President. No words can express my feelings at this moment, but, if anyone needs a glass of Jack Daniels right now, it's me!