The Rhymes and Routes Christmas Message, 2022

 The Rhymes and Routes Christmas Message this year comes from the Rt Hon Jacob Rees-Mogg, MP for North-East Somerset.

It is with the utmost temerity with which I approach the burdensome task of writing for this obscure online organ. It affords me no pleasure, and I anticipate no profit whatsoever. The grandiosely titled Blogmeister is a Bolshevik hornswoggler and his occasional assistant, Rednev, is a communist whooperup. Neither went to Eton, to my certain knowledge. Nonetheless, following the heroic example of the greatest Prime Minister that Britain ever had, Boris Johnson, I shall advance, Animi Supra Omnes , into the Lion's den.

Well, what a year we have had! Roman times were revisited when the heroic Boris was betrayed and forced from office by treacherous ministers and the disgusting woke press. I tried to persuade him to send "Et tu, Brute!" cards to all those who betrayed him, but he refused. As he said to me: 

"Don't worry, Jakey boy - I'm off to make my fortune!"

And he is! He's just made £750, 000 from three orational discourses, so take that - Viles proditores! Like Shakespeare's Coriolanus, he shall be loved when he is lacked.

One of many scurrilous insulting remarks about me was that I am the Minister for the 19th century. O tempora! O mores!  How those cads must regret that insult! Now that people have dwindling financial means and are facing a cold winter with insufficient provisions, we are returning to the society that made our forefathers foremost among civilisations during the era of the British Empire. I look forward to officiating at the opening of the first new Workhouse in my constituency. As for all this whingeing about energy conservation, I have personally taken a lead in showing how it can be done.

Another Victorian measure that should be reintroduced is the Bedroom Tax. I have voted for it 16 times in Parliament from 2012 -2014 and will continue in the New Year to campaign for its reinstatement. I have campaigned in the national interest for welfare benefits to be capped or even reduced - in fact , I have voted for their reduction 52 times, in an effort to get idlers and hookem-sniveys back to work. In order to restore Victorian family values, I oppose all abortion and all that womens' rights codswallop and hope that we can return to large families on the 19th century model.

In sum, I am saddened at how the one person who could lead us to the Promised Land has been ejected from the post of prime minister, but his successors have been so dire that I anticipate his return in the future. I shall raise a glass of malmsey wine to that on Sunday. As for the Blogmeister, Rednev and those who read their politically correct nonsense, dimittuntur tibi!  You are all clearly vazey Remain voters. In spite of that, on behalf of all true Conservatives, I would like to say:

 Felicem natalem Christi !

Thankyou for taking the time to compose this Christmas Message, Mr Rees-Mogg. Thank you for being so candid with us in your festive greetings; at least you have been absolutely clear about your hopes for the future. I am sure that readers will draw their own conclusions about you - as have I...